Hey where has the time gone.

Ok, it's been awhile I know. Things just get in the way and time just slips away. So much has happen over the last year. Lost my father, father in law, Mother in law and a good friend. Step father almost past but he pulled through. Now the rest of the family is out for verdict.
My wife and I decided to try again. Taken it slow. She still has her mother house to take care. Work is changing everyday. New rules and policies. Had to cut my hair. Was going to anyway. My buddy Fred decided to get engaged to Cindy. Marriage set for October 1st. He's been sick a good bit over the last year also. Hell, can't spell the problem so I just say it a infection of the intestines. Got one of those funny medical names.
Work, yea work. Rotating shifts. 12hrs. days and a 3-4 day flip flop. Beating me down I tell you. Miss a month of work with a stress fracture of the foot. Damn doctors couldn't make up their mind what was wrong. Nothing else really exciting. Well maybe the drag race trip. Enjoyed that. I'll talk of it another time. Let see.;;;:::
Oh Jessica had her baby girl on the 17th of May. Brandi is a proud Grandmother. Sean, my son and his wife, Heather, moved to Atlanta for his job. He is doing great. Also Heather got to keep her job at WRDW while up there. The web, you can do so much from almost anywhere.
Myself, no more heart problems. Well none I can tell. Still have a few ticks and pings but nothing bad. Most of that is from the surgery itself. Hating my job. Whats new! And would love to run into some mad money to sink into my little Honda. And a new T.V. and a new Kindle. Oh and a PS3. LOL! Just a kid at heart.
Did some work in the yard. Looks nice. More I want to do. MONEY! Yea got to have to do the things you want. Need to download some pics of the work.
Mustn't forget the old Dell. Virus crash!! Sean got it back going but I switch on to the Macbook. Still learning how to fully function this thing. Haven't started writing any stories on it yet. Haven't wrote any stories in awhile. After the surgery I haven't been able to get the old imagination a flowing. Or should I say, the desire to write down my thoughts. I will get it together here soon, i hope!!
Well I'm outside on this cool night on May 18th, my mother 80th birthday. Yes I did go see her. She is good. So I think I will stop this for now. The pic at the top is from this year up at the lake. Nice sunset. Shine on all you crazy diamonds!!!!!

OK ok ok!!

Whoa I'm back. Yea had me a issue with me health. Course seems most was my own fault. Have to keep taken those little pills. For some reason, I think of the Rolling Stones song Mother's Little Helper, when I take my med. OH oh, he also started me on some new med. Suppose to get blood work done. And lets see what else, Yes fill two other scripts for more med. Wonder when the Depends become a necessary purchase. Gross!!! But it turns out that those pills that are specifically for my heart!! I can't miss. Cause a little trouble and I start feeling bad. Kill people and rape and pillage the villages!!!MUHAHHA!! Well not that bad. I really don't want to do a fucking thing. Been dreaming about schrooms lately. Naw just nothing. I will survive, Gloria Gainer 1976, I don't know. Yea I use to own a leisure suit. With platform shoes. I was the shit. Literally!!! Where was I, oh yea sick. Feeling better just not right. Hard to finger. I going to think on this and try to figure out what it is that I'm feeling. It's a conquest for the not so squeamish. I made that up. It sounded good though. The other day I told a friend that I think all I need was a beer and see something naked. I know you want believe this but I got some friends that you can't say that to. It got better after the six beer, but he still wasn't that pretty. And work did I tell y'all about work. Good!! Cause I ain't talking about work. Naked women yea we can talk about that but no work.
Had a friend talking about the american flag. How some people got in trouble. First off in defense of my friend, a hippie. Yes there are still some left other than Thomas Chong. But I also remember back in the seventies when a friend of mine, got arrested,rough up and a hair cut for wearing a flag as a poncho. Yes he cut a hole in the middle and wore it as a poncho. We thought hey cool. Cops thought,lets whoop this long hairs ass. So they did. Defamation of the flag. There is a law. So we saw the buzz lately about the flag on the news. All I know is don't do that in Mrytle Beach. Your ass goes to jail. Nuff said about that. Oh for all you close to me there is a party may 22. If you're not close. Sorry. Call me for details. Ok I'm done here. Love ya, mean it. And happy mother day to all you mothers. That just doesn't sound right does it. You know what I mean.
Adonis.

My little Hippie girl!

Oh Ariel you and Sauge both will like my, gee don't know quite how to explain her. Hmmm, just realize I never learn her name. She, I believe referred to herself as Summer. But at one time she also said she was Fall. Oh you Wiccan and Druid teachings. She seems to change with the seasons. Only thing is the seasons are in her head. Very inquisitive! Always with a bright smile. Of course me, my inhibiton to be leary of folks entering my brain. Which you both have done more often than I know, I'm sure. Well I, catch myself staring and searching her eyes. Thinking how much do I release to my old but new found family member. This I should explain to you both for it will help with your readings when you look into your magic. She is of blood kinship. A niece! My sister's daughter. Now I feel that she and I have always had a contact, but when around the clan, of Christian believers, as we were raised, it was prudent that you spoke carefully of things that would be consider blasphemy or unclean. Chastisement was usually swift and belittling to oneself. They being your elders, arguement was unfounded. But she and I would always have a connection. Hers is for her to say. Mine was what is this little devil up to. LOL!! But lets carry on. We have been able to converse more of late. I think I shocked her some, only because she saw she was right about me. And she shock me some because! No it was not shock! I saw a typical Wiccan. It just took me till last night to confirm it. She let me see what I wanted to see in the beginning . Damn witches!LOL! These facades that y'all are able to cast about yourselfs are most efficient. I don't even think Lucas can conceal himself that well and we all know how he can disappear and never leave. But she finally drop the defenses more last night. I don't think she has dropped them all, but enough to relax me and allow me to open up some to her. I learn a great deal, I won't say about, let say of her. A Druid for sure. I wonder if she knows her family moved to the states were from the land of Druids. We had a good visit last night. At the end she also had a brief visit from Lucas. I don't think she saw him but she got a sense of his presences. So maybe one day in the near future I can arrange a meeting. In fact I will see if I can locate an image of her to post. Burn some candles for me. I have not been well of late.

Probably would answer a dream.

Things amiss these days. Death has been all around me. My successor or as in the beginning my nemesis, has left me for the hallow grounds farther to the north. I'm assured she is cared for well. The young ones she is so insistance on having around, bound to keep her mind in constance disarray. Ha! Most of the coven of this area are to leary of the mortal folk. But most of the old ones have gone. Seems all I sense anymore are the young ones. So inexperience and dangerous to themselves. And never let a vampire happen upon one. They must all be a touch mad in the beginning. Not like Sauge. Control was her defensive and offense. But she has made her choice.

Myself, allusion of the past or a constant nuisance of late. Have not cornered the cause of all these festering sores of my mind. Has a tendency of relating to my mortal side. But that cannot be, far to many centuries have past. Must be living amongst the mortals to long. Ah, a vacation!! How ironic for a creature of my nature to ponder upon. But then a journey to the north or maybe even to the old home on the coast. Perhaps Sauge and Cadien could see fit to travel. Maybe so. But if it's the dead I was escaping and now I seek refuge with the undead. Ha. The madness is not around me, it is inside me. Alas, a retreat I shall seek though. Bring the horde of villians amongst me. It may be a feast of sort. Especially if Sauge hasn't lost her touch for the hunt. Intriguing!!
Oh the young one we, more I with insistance of the Witch, we turn in Boston. Wonder where she may be at these times. Sauge speaks not of her anymore. The drawing at the top makes me think of her. Mischievous imp she was. Fast and evil. Cadien claim he could calm her. Now that I think on her. She never acted so bad around me. Then again when she would return, Sauge would be in need of my help to cover her trail. Messy she was. But, how do you mortals say, so full of life. Ha. Most intriguing!! I must take my leave now. I feel the other person in this body trying to come out. An I do tire easier these days. I bid you all adieu!!
Lucas

I really am Dazed and Confused

Okay,  the last few weeks have been a roller coaster for me. I almost don't know if I should start writing this for I feel I will offend someone. Then as someone once said, if they know me they will understand. If they don't know me then who cares. I have had many emotion over whelm me as of late. My wife and I have decided to split, and she has left the house again. Of course it is all because of me. Strange seem she left the first time because of me. Here again, I have always been told it is two side to every story. Guess mine doesn't count in this case. Still it is a unpleasant feeling to me. It sadden me. I don't hate her. Then again I'm not a hating person. But it is over.

 Then  on April 13 my father past away. It was not expected. He did have a serious cancer surgery but he was suppose to be doing well. In fact they had move him out of ICU to a room in a ward. Then that morning my sister and brother in law went to see him and found him. All the second guessing of the hospital help is not important. He had past. God had called him home. I thought I would handle it fairly easy. How soon I found out I would not. He and I had grown apart over the last twenty years. But since my two heart attacks last year, we started to talk more. We came to impasse with each other. He was not one who would profess his love openly. But you knew he was truely interested in my life. He even wrote on the pillow they give open heart patients, that I was a good man. Me, he call me a good man. Now I find myself looking at pillow everyday. No not read it, just look at it. I have a difficult time reading what he wrote. It really cut deep into my already wounded heart. I had a very dear friend tell me that I probably should write about these things. It would be good for me. I am finding she was right. Crying is just a emotion that happens and I need to get this stuff behind me. I hate that when I talk about him, my eyes start to moisten. I use to be able to make myself hard hearted. But the last 4years have really poured meat tenderizer on my heart. Now I don't want to be so hard. I have found some good friends. I am happy around them. And I like that feeling. One has some kids that I find a joy to be around. Others that justs make me feel welcome at anytime. Then another that has me thinking. Then that old feeling of don't get to close or you may be hurt again comes in my head. I think that may be normal after what I have felt the last year especially. But I don't want to be alone. And I guess in spirit I am not. My friends were very supported in my time of mourning. I was so glad I could talk to Ariel that day. She said little. But listen to my ranting and babbling, yes I was babbling, then added some suggestion from her own experience. I think I may be babbling now. But I was sitting here and hit a low spot so I thought I would give it a try and write about Dad and me. He was my little league coach you know. That was the best part of our life. He made me a allstar two years in a row. Yep, one year with a broken leg. I was still selected to the allstar team. Thank you for those memories.

 Now I must leave this episode of my life. That is I am closing this blog. Not that couldn't write more, just I am tired of reliving it for now. Even though I think things for me will get worse before they get better. Just wait!

Handling myself

Basically this is a good description of my moods of late. The background is black and white while I'm still in color. Believe there was movie like that. Had Reese and Toby in it I think. Just bouncing back and forth. Feel good then get a funk mood going. Actually good really pissed at my computor tonight because I, me , myself and I, could not get it do what I wanted. Finally just turn it off and walked away. Ariel will probably straighten it out tomorrow for me. Otherwise I'm need to stop eating. It's like I can't get full. Need to start drinking water all day. And I can finally get to my treadmill. Just need to get some motivation. Is that a word? Have these feeling of wanting to be alone and not talk to anyone. But I been resisting these and talking to some good folks everyday. Just normal moods I reckon for my situation. Then I have been not staying home on weekend,except to sleep. Whoa! Who would name their daughter Barclay. Poor girl. I got lots going on next month. Nephew wedding. Which I need to go get a new Hawaian shirt for.. Then out of town company coming in to town. And we have a big going away party for a friend of ours later in the month. So the summer seems to be starting out good. Hoping to fly up north in July or August. This is depending on other events also. Hmmmm. Starting to relax some now. Make me think! I've got to take some of these late weekend nights and start writing my epic horror story. I had gotten ahead of myself with the story. I need to get back and settle the events of my heroine in the story. Of course at this point she is more of a villian than a heroine. Just need to sit and get into her head and figure out what she has been hiding so many centuries. Plus this man she keep referring to as Lucas. Seems he take nothing serious and is always on the side of caution. Then there is Cadien. The triple beam of weights for them both. I think a good conversation with her would be most intriguing. Only problem is when she become arrogant and will only speak in French. Then I have to record everyword and try and translate later. Maybe I should drag Cadien into the conversation. He does have a way in keeping her focus. Or somehow I understand what she says..Hmm ,just realize.. Naw my imagination. Well it time for this tulip to lay his head to rest. Remember to lock the doors. Because you never met one doesn't mean they don't exist.

Amusement of the day; make that this year.

I sitting here totally amused with a friends life. They do blog so well and I can certainly see this person as they describe the events, or should I say the Divine Manifestation! How many of their readers will even understand. Cause they won't concern themselves with it. The writing is for themselves. But the pleasure of their amusement, amused me. This is a compliment by all means. I could see you talking to yourself about the decision that you must make. And quite proud of the ones you did make. Pleasure such as theses makes me a smiling man. I even had one of my old school mates contact me today. It was good news. They plan on coming home from the northwest for the golf tournament. Big event in these parts. But they made sure I knew they would be staying at the old home place. Haven't been there in years. And got a invite to visit with them one evening that week. I feel this will be a interesting reunion. They are an artist now and has a studio out west. Seems to dabble in paintings, sculptures and photography... Really hope it happens. I have many questions. The thing most I remember about this person is that they were one of the first hippies from our area. Now that was a big something back in 69 for this area. We always got everything last. But I needed a bright spot in my day today. Thank you my friends for expressing yourselves as you do. I know sometimes it is frustration that is writing. But this time it was a gracious acceptance of positive living. A epiphany as one stated so boldly.

When will it ever end?

Well, never thought I would write about a such thing. Probably be crying by the time I finish. But the perils of my life continue. First, and which most of my friends knew. My wife is moving out for good this week. A mutual agreement. It's over. I just can't live with her and live my life. It's to tense for me. Yes I am sad about it. I love her and always will. But that's life. She has been and always will be my friend. It will be best for her too.
Now ,on top of that. We still have my physical well being. Family and friends express concerns for me. Will I hold up with all this. Well I thought so at first. Then I get the phone call. It's my sister. She has been at the doctor with my dad. He has been fighting throat cancer now for a few years. The first surgery they kept from me. I know not why. But now it has return. And it is bad. They must perform surgery again and this time remove his vocal cords. The whole thing. Then leave a hole in his throat. I'm not sure about that,as what it's purpose is. He will never talk again. She then said that he may be able to in a couple of years with other procedures. FUCK! He's 85 years old. He has live a full life. I'm afraid he will just not try. Give up. Just let it kill him.
Whew! Now he and I drifted apart for a number of years. Years after he had another son with his new wife. I tried one summer to fit in with them. Moved in with them and consider going to their school and tried to get close to dad again. It didn't work. Just did not fit in with the new family. Then I remember the sneaky things he got me and my sister to do so he could strike out at our mother. That shit happens and I know it. But use your kids. I mean growing up he coach the little league team I played on. He came to all my football games and made sure he tell me how well I played. Then divorce. Game over. I so loved him. But things changed.
Now I may lose him. I so badly wanted to hate him at one time. Never did. Now I don't know what to say to him. Of course with everything else that going on in my life, what could happen to me now. Make you see how some people just give up also and end it. I don't want that. But I want to be happy again. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being alone. I miss living. God help me. Yea, I'm crying now. The big thing is now I want you say a prayer for him. No matter what choice he makes. Sure is something I got to prepare for. Thanks for listening!

MUST DO SOMETHING!!

This weekend has been a complete bust. Yes I been trying to fight off this cold or whateva I caught from the rest of the miserable universe out there. Things have got to get a move on. I know it me. I'm the one who has to get the party started,right. Got to quit riding this heart issue and other health issues and get off my ass. It's just, I hate doing stuff alone. Then I hate to be around certain people. So conceited of me. But it suppose to start warming up around here. That should make me feel alot better. Then I can get out and shucks make some new friends. Hell I even wondered if I could go to the library and write my book on my lap top while I sit there. The new one has a decent view of the outside. I know I need to get my ass up though.
And work! What a boner!! Those hoes have gone completely bonkers. Coming up with all these wild ideas to improve production and efficiently. They have no concept of the mental capacity of most of those who work there. But that a whole other outlook of my life.
I just been thinking today. I really going to have get out. Forget about my poor little boo boo. And start living a little bit more. Hell for all I know me staying inside may be the reason I been staying sick. But hence forth, I shall start to live a whole lot more than I have. Turn up the music and let's get this party started ,right. Woo hoo!!!
I probably need to make sure I read this everyday also. Or make me a poster to hang up over my door. I'll make somehow!

Wake up

Well it's been quiet a while since I wrote in this thing. Of course last year wasn't one of my favorite time of my life. Let's see, 1 heart attack May 4-5 something like that. Oh that was wild. Out on the town with Fred and knowing something wasn't right. Stubborn, denying or plain stupid. Drinking beer and liquor. Smoking cigarettes and having a ,terrible time. Finally got out of there to just end up in the emergency room with chest pains. The next day,they are installing stents in an artery in the lower section of my heart. All was going to be fine. Quit cigarettes is the only good that came out of that one.

Felt bad the rest of the summer. Never really had what you would call a good day. Sure there were times I had fun. Then again, I hid alot of my feeling and emotions. Cheryl was driving me up the wall. Feeling for others started popping up. I knew this had to be handle quietly. They knew but kept it or should I say me in check.

Thing little ping and pang would happen from time to time. Most of the time I just kept my mouth shut. My closest friends could tell that things where not right with me. They would ask and most of the time I could smooth it over. Finally I had to call the cardiologist. He saw me and schedule a stress test. I felt it was a waste of time but they wanted to do it anyway. This I believe was November the 2Nd. Wasn't sure if I could leave the doctor office after the way I felt. I made it home. The next day I stayed home from work. Just felt to bad. Later that evening the pain in the chest was back. I started on the nitro. 1 no help. 2 no help. This when I woke Cheryl and said get ready because I'm fixing to take number 3 and no help. To the hospital we went.

Now when you show up at the hospital with chest pain, they do not wait. In you go. Now this is November 3rd. I'm schedule for a heart Cathe November 4. Needless to say they kept me.

This was heart attack number 2 for 2009. They started the Cathe and found out the blockage was to great. The stents had fell at their job. By pass surgery was the next option.

Now I can go into a long story of this and that. Sitting around waiting the pain the surgery. The good nurses and the bad nurses. Bottom line it all sucked. Then I damage my breast plate and had to be cut open again. The pain the agony and the torture of being in a hospital on a family holiday all alone. I saw more of the hospital staff than I did of my whole family. And maybe this was best. Yea they would call,but most of the time I could not reach the phone.

Also all the demeaning stuff. Which I realize is just macho bull.But you can't get out of bed or get back in bed by yourself. And even worst,couldn't even wipe your own ass. Now that was a ,having to ring the nurse to wipe your ass. Then all of a sudden your emotions start this roller coaster ride with you. You know not why. Much less what to do. A southern redneck bred man laying around crying and he has no idea why!

Sometimes I wish people wouldn't come see me so I wouldn't have to stare at their eyes. You could tell they were thinking something. I didn't know if I looked that bad or they knew something I didn't. I know most cared and just were concern. I hold no ill feeling toward anyone. I just want to get my emotion under control, my health back in order and a life to live that is fulfilling to me." Won't you look down upon me Jesus,you've got to help me make a stand. You've just got to see me through another day."Pretty much the way I feel these days.

But all was not all lost. I made a few new friends. Some I may never see again. But they made an impression. I really want to finish my book. But I got to get my head straight first. Then there some I met who want to be a part of my life. Then again I've had old friends finally open up to me about how disgusted they were with their life.

Then last, I had a friend move away. Yes we can still talk. And do the Internet thing. But this friend had a connection to my brain waves. We could almost talk and never say a word. It was a great feeling. This person knew what to say to me and when to say it. Also knew when not to say anything and what to just take me and show me. My awe of things brighten their feelings.

OK I written enough. Had a case of the blahs and needed to vent. So until next time my merry people. LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!