Wake up

Well it's been quiet a while since I wrote in this thing. Of course last year wasn't one of my favorite time of my life. Let's see, 1 heart attack May 4-5 something like that. Oh that was wild. Out on the town with Fred and knowing something wasn't right. Stubborn, denying or plain stupid. Drinking beer and liquor. Smoking cigarettes and having a ,terrible time. Finally got out of there to just end up in the emergency room with chest pains. The next day,they are installing stents in an artery in the lower section of my heart. All was going to be fine. Quit cigarettes is the only good that came out of that one.

Felt bad the rest of the summer. Never really had what you would call a good day. Sure there were times I had fun. Then again, I hid alot of my feeling and emotions. Cheryl was driving me up the wall. Feeling for others started popping up. I knew this had to be handle quietly. They knew but kept it or should I say me in check.

Thing little ping and pang would happen from time to time. Most of the time I just kept my mouth shut. My closest friends could tell that things where not right with me. They would ask and most of the time I could smooth it over. Finally I had to call the cardiologist. He saw me and schedule a stress test. I felt it was a waste of time but they wanted to do it anyway. This I believe was November the 2Nd. Wasn't sure if I could leave the doctor office after the way I felt. I made it home. The next day I stayed home from work. Just felt to bad. Later that evening the pain in the chest was back. I started on the nitro. 1 no help. 2 no help. This when I woke Cheryl and said get ready because I'm fixing to take number 3 and no help. To the hospital we went.

Now when you show up at the hospital with chest pain, they do not wait. In you go. Now this is November 3rd. I'm schedule for a heart Cathe November 4. Needless to say they kept me.

This was heart attack number 2 for 2009. They started the Cathe and found out the blockage was to great. The stents had fell at their job. By pass surgery was the next option.

Now I can go into a long story of this and that. Sitting around waiting the pain the surgery. The good nurses and the bad nurses. Bottom line it all sucked. Then I damage my breast plate and had to be cut open again. The pain the agony and the torture of being in a hospital on a family holiday all alone. I saw more of the hospital staff than I did of my whole family. And maybe this was best. Yea they would call,but most of the time I could not reach the phone.

Also all the demeaning stuff. Which I realize is just macho bull.But you can't get out of bed or get back in bed by yourself. And even worst,couldn't even wipe your own ass. Now that was a ,having to ring the nurse to wipe your ass. Then all of a sudden your emotions start this roller coaster ride with you. You know not why. Much less what to do. A southern redneck bred man laying around crying and he has no idea why!

Sometimes I wish people wouldn't come see me so I wouldn't have to stare at their eyes. You could tell they were thinking something. I didn't know if I looked that bad or they knew something I didn't. I know most cared and just were concern. I hold no ill feeling toward anyone. I just want to get my emotion under control, my health back in order and a life to live that is fulfilling to me." Won't you look down upon me Jesus,you've got to help me make a stand. You've just got to see me through another day."Pretty much the way I feel these days.

But all was not all lost. I made a few new friends. Some I may never see again. But they made an impression. I really want to finish my book. But I got to get my head straight first. Then there some I met who want to be a part of my life. Then again I've had old friends finally open up to me about how disgusted they were with their life.

Then last, I had a friend move away. Yes we can still talk. And do the Internet thing. But this friend had a connection to my brain waves. We could almost talk and never say a word. It was a great feeling. This person knew what to say to me and when to say it. Also knew when not to say anything and what to just take me and show me. My awe of things brighten their feelings.

OK I written enough. Had a case of the blahs and needed to vent. So until next time my merry people. LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!