I really am Dazed and Confused

Okay,  the last few weeks have been a roller coaster for me. I almost don't know if I should start writing this for I feel I will offend someone. Then as someone once said, if they know me they will understand. If they don't know me then who cares. I have had many emotion over whelm me as of late. My wife and I have decided to split, and she has left the house again. Of course it is all because of me. Strange seem she left the first time because of me. Here again, I have always been told it is two side to every story. Guess mine doesn't count in this case. Still it is a unpleasant feeling to me. It sadden me. I don't hate her. Then again I'm not a hating person. But it is over.

 Then  on April 13 my father past away. It was not expected. He did have a serious cancer surgery but he was suppose to be doing well. In fact they had move him out of ICU to a room in a ward. Then that morning my sister and brother in law went to see him and found him. All the second guessing of the hospital help is not important. He had past. God had called him home. I thought I would handle it fairly easy. How soon I found out I would not. He and I had grown apart over the last twenty years. But since my two heart attacks last year, we started to talk more. We came to impasse with each other. He was not one who would profess his love openly. But you knew he was truely interested in my life. He even wrote on the pillow they give open heart patients, that I was a good man. Me, he call me a good man. Now I find myself looking at pillow everyday. No not read it, just look at it. I have a difficult time reading what he wrote. It really cut deep into my already wounded heart. I had a very dear friend tell me that I probably should write about these things. It would be good for me. I am finding she was right. Crying is just a emotion that happens and I need to get this stuff behind me. I hate that when I talk about him, my eyes start to moisten. I use to be able to make myself hard hearted. But the last 4years have really poured meat tenderizer on my heart. Now I don't want to be so hard. I have found some good friends. I am happy around them. And I like that feeling. One has some kids that I find a joy to be around. Others that justs make me feel welcome at anytime. Then another that has me thinking. Then that old feeling of don't get to close or you may be hurt again comes in my head. I think that may be normal after what I have felt the last year especially. But I don't want to be alone. And I guess in spirit I am not. My friends were very supported in my time of mourning. I was so glad I could talk to Ariel that day. She said little. But listen to my ranting and babbling, yes I was babbling, then added some suggestion from her own experience. I think I may be babbling now. But I was sitting here and hit a low spot so I thought I would give it a try and write about Dad and me. He was my little league coach you know. That was the best part of our life. He made me a allstar two years in a row. Yep, one year with a broken leg. I was still selected to the allstar team. Thank you for those memories.

 Now I must leave this episode of my life. That is I am closing this blog. Not that couldn't write more, just I am tired of reliving it for now. Even though I think things for me will get worse before they get better. Just wait!